Monday, January 7, 2013

IUI #2 It's a go!

My follow-up ultrasound showed no ovarian cysts with normal ovarian size so IUI #2 is a go!  The second piece of good news is even though DH will be out of the country when I ovulate this month, they're able to freeze his sample to then thaw and use for the IUI.  It costs a little more, but I'm thankful we didn't have to delay it another month!  It's almost been 2 years of ... one might say, "what's another month?!?"  Well, when you're aboard this bumpy roller-coaster ride called Infertility... another month can sometimes feel like a year.  The 2ww feels like months.  It occupies your mind.  I live and breath infertility.  It defines me.  This is who I am and I have come to accept that.  So let the journey continue to begin... I've just hopped aboard... again!

Today is CD6!  I've already started the clomid.  I'm trying to think positive, fertile thoughts.  I've been doing breathing exercises daily to help me relax.  The supplemental hormones in fertility treatments make keeping a level head SO MUCH more difficult!  I've finally made an appointment to see a counselor who specializes in infertility and am excited to further explore this.  Of course, I've been living coffee and alcohol free.  I don't miss the alcohol much, but I sure do miss the coffee!  I'm making more of an effort to schedule yoga classes into my daily living.  I'll be going to Body Flow tonight... my first class of the New Year.  I'm also making an conscious effort to eat healthy.  The Holiday season was difficult with all of the candy and chocolate, but it's a New Year and I must have a New Diet!  As much as possible, I try to eat a meatless, dairy and gluten free diet.  I break the rules quite a bit, but at least I'm aware of what goes into my mouth!

Please let IUI #2 be the charm!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Glimpse of Hope

It's been a while since my last post... I started to slip away into the dreaded hole of social and emotional isolation.  I even told my husband at one point about a month ago I wanted to find a place in the woods to live for the winter and "hibernate".  I was tired of facing reality and the hard truth that I can not make my dream to be a mother come true.  I have cried EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past several months.  I realized I do not have a good handle on this situation and therefore it was time for me to reach out and seek help.  I was given the name of two therapists in my area only to call and find out NEITHER of them are taking new patients.  I hung up the phone both times in tears thinking this can't possibly be happening.  It took me hours to build up the courage to make the phone call and then to be rejected at a time of great need... my stomach dropped and I felt helpless.  I have cried like a child, unable to catch my breath.  People have asked me if I have allergies because my eyes seem swollen and I tuck my head and say "yes, my allergies are quite bad this time of year."  I'm embarrassed to tell someone the reason I am so anxious and depressed is because I can't have a child.  Certainly, there are far worse things in life?!?  But, not for me!

Without being able to control my desire to have a child, I've desperately tried to control everything else in my life... my diet, exercise, friends, etc.

And then, I found acupuncture.... (to be continued on next post)

IUI #1 = BFN Sad, Sad, Sad

Lots to catch you up on!  It's been a while since my last post so here it is in a nutshell!

The months of September, October, and November were spent doing acupuncture.  I went once to twice a week for an hour long acupuncture session involving both needles and cupping.  In addition, I drank twice daily traditional Chinese herbal tea.  While each month ended up with a BFN, I did find myself for the first time with a level head.  My mood enhanced significantly!  Before the acupuncture,  I was crying every single day and quite depressed.  I felt as though I had no control over my emotions.  A few weeks after staRting the treatments, I found myself going much longer intervals without bursting into tears for no apparent reason until one day I realized... wow, I can't even remember the last time I cried!  It didn't get be pregnant, but I'm thankful for the positive impact it had on my emotional well-being.

December was our first month of ovarian stimulation with IUI.  On days 3 - 7 of my cycle I took 100mg Clomid daily.  On day 9, I gave myself an injection of Bravelle.  On day 12 I had a transvaginal ultrasound in which the RE noted I had two mature follicles and 3 less mature follies.  That evening I gave myself an injection of Novarel.  On day 14 of my cycle I had the IUI.  They inject 106 million little swimmers into my uterus.  DH and I were very hopeful!  Unfortunately, today the dreaded AF came and I can confirm our first cycle turned out to be a BFN.

As you can imagine, I'm totally bummed.  I've cried pretty much all day long.  My eyes are swollen and red.  I have not made it out of the house today.  The menstrual pain from my endometriosis certainly does not make the situation any better.  Frankly, it's a HUGE SLAP IN THE FACE.  Hey, you're not pregnant... and here are some KILLER CRAMPS while you're at it.  My cramps are terrible today and I've had cramping this entire month (I think from the fertility drugs!).  Ughhh!  SO VERY DISAPPOINTED AND DISCOURAGED.  I have a follow-up Ultrasound scheduled in two days to check for any cyst formation.  The sad news is DH will be out of the country next month during my ovulation week, so we have to skip a month of trying.  Ughh again! FRUSTRATING!

I'm hormonal, crampy, sad, disappointed, discouraged, angry, stressed, anxious, and in an all around sour mood.  Mostly, I'm just sad!  Sad, sad, sad!

Tomorrow is a new day!  Tomorrow is a new day!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Infertility Support Group

I did it!  I've found an Infertility Support Group in my area, have contacted the administrator of this group and will be attending my first meeting in September.  For anyone out there reading this and struggling with infertility, is an excellent resource and can get you connected with the help you need!  I'm quite nervous about attending this group, but know this is something I need to do.  It's about time I step out of my comfort zone and seek help and support.  No, I AM NOT ALONE (even though most days it sure feels like it!)

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Stop Being Selfish

Now that I've gotten a few things off of my chest I'm hoping today will be better.  Actually, I'm determined to feel better today.  Mind over matter...  TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!

I'm back to blogging in hopes one day I can look back on this and realize the pain and suffering I went through so as to relate to others in a similar situation.  My end goal is to become an advocate for infertile couples.  First, I must get to a healthy place myself and accept the things I cannot control... and I'm working on that.  I still have too much sadness and anger!  Lots of work to do!

I was proud of myself last night.  Instead of letting my phone go to voicemail when a pregnant friend called, I answered the phone, sucked it up and had a conversation about her baby.  I expected it to dominate the conversation... she is about to bring a healthy baby boy into this world and that's all I'd want to talk about too!  I got over my selfishness and answered the freaking phone call and put on a happy face and talked to my friend.  While I expected the conversation to be dominated by "baby talk" it did not.  My friend knows about my struggles and she was sensitive to them.   She did not push me to talk, however, and that felt good.   I've learned how to turn conversations into talking about how my "endometriosis" is going instead of how my lack of baby making is going.  Talking about my endometriosis is safe for me.  Talking about being infertile is not yet safe for me.  I cried after the conversation, but felt so much better about the fact I was able to face reality.  I did not hide from it!  I refuse to be the person that doesn't celebrate the joy of others... no matter how much it hurts me inside to be surrounded by the one thing in life I want so desperately yet can't have, I will not be the person that shuts everyone else out of my world.

I have THREE good friends who are pregnant (two of them were bridesmaids in my wedding).  Yes, I'm surrounded by it.  My sister is now trying for her second child.  She got pregnant the first month of trying with her first.  Will she be pregnant soon?  OF COURSE!  I've got to get over this!  I can't compare myself to others!  Just because I have to struggle doesn't mean they should have to struggle!  No matter how badly this is going to hurt me, I have to be happy for her!  I'm crying now just thinking of the strength I'm going to need for this.  Do I have it?!?  I'm not sure that is even a question.  I MUST have it and will find a way to cope.  That is what a strong woman does.  I AM STRONG!  Mind over matter... TODAY WILL BE A GOOD DAY!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Under the Knife

To catch you all up on the happenings in my infertile world I must write a post on what has happened in the past couple of months.  My RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) had a high suspicion I have endometriosis and suggested I undergo a laparoscopy which would be both a diagnostic tool and treatment all in one.  He also suggested I undergo a hysteroscopy to remove the polyp in my uterus.  I took his advice and went to an outpatient surgery center and had both procedures done under general anesthesia at the end of June.  He was correct, I have endometriosis.  I do not, however, have a severe case of it.  He called it a "mild" case and only had to remove endometrial tissue from a few places in my abdominal cavity.  He stated he has high hopes for me and that everything looks "structurally sound".  Well, if it were so 'structurally sound" then why in the heck has it been 16 months and I'm not pregnant?!?  Long story short... I have some answers but still many more questions.  I'm trying to stay positive, but some days it's just REALLY FREAKING HARD to do!  I'm so tired of pregnancy announcements.  I'm tired of not being able to truly be happy for others when they announce they're expecting.  I'm tired of being jealous of them.  I'm tired of sometimes feeling resentful towards others.  I can't lie to myself anymore... YES, I DO FEEL RESENTFUL!  I want to be happy for others, but I hurt so much inside that I sometimes am forbidden from this emotion.  I'm drained.  Some days I think I'm depressed... other days I think I'm doing an amazing job of staying positive.  This emotional roller coaster needs to end! Please Universe... Please.... Please help me to get pregnant or give me the strength to continue this ride....


It sickens me to count how many months I've FAILED to conceive, but I know I must... It's been 16 months of failure.  Yes, FAILURE.  I feel like such a failure.  I'm currently experiencing AF, who happened to come on with a vengeance.  What is wrong with me?  I'm so sick and tired of this!  I want a child so badly I'd give up anything in the world to have it!  Why can't I be like every body else and get pregnant after a few months of trying.  If we had been successful like the average couple, we'd have an infant in our arms right now!  I've never cried over something so much in my entire life.  I can't even tell people about my infertility problems because I know I will burst into tears... so what do I do instead?  I keep it all in and then explode with emotion when I can no longer contain it.  That's why I'm back to blogging!  It helped me in the beginning and I'd like for it to help again.

I've cut out alcohol, caffeine and  eat only organic meat (no red meat or pork for 4 months).  I exercise more regularly and eat much healthier.  I'm not overweight and never have been.  I'm 5'6 and weigh 145-150 pounds depending upon the day.  I see plenty of obese women getting pregnant, so why can't I?

I'm dying to get a second dog!  My husband is on the fence.  I need to love something!  I need to expand my family in any way I can!  I'm 32 years old and a part of my life is missing!  I'd love to start the adoption papers, but my husband isn't ready for that yet either.  I'm capable of so much love... why can't I have a child?!?  Is this some EVIL JOKE someone is playing on me?  Sometimes I wish I could wake up and this would all end up being a nasty nightmare... and my life could resume with a beautiful family full of kids, dogs, and joy!

I'm so tired of experiencing these GOD AWFUL periods.  It's such a slap in the face to realize that not only have I failed YET AGAIN, but I have to suffer horrible cramps with very heavy bleeding.  Ughhhhh!  FAILURE!

Sorry... just having a rough day and needed to get some things off of my mind...